Scene: Video conference call. Midday on a Monday. Both parties are in corporate offices. Two white, male lawyers in their 40s. One white female in her 40s. The woman is wearing business attire, properly. The men are dressed casually, improperly. All parties are in the middle of discussing a matter that occurred over a decade prior.
The feeling on the call is friendly, but also surprisingly tense.
It’s me. I’m tense.
“Do you know what her title was when all of this occurred?”
“Yeah. I think so. I think she was a Vice President. If I had to guess, that was her title. She’s a woman so, you know, it took over a decade for her to move up.”
“To what?”
“I’m sorry?”
“What did she move up to?”
“Oh. Sorry. Yeah. Senior Vice President.”
“Okay. Thanks.”
There was an uncomfortable silence that filled the void — my observation placed solidly in the middle of our conversation. How dare I sassily comment on the blatant and raging sexism within my company, the finance industry, or business generally?! Who do I think I am? Hasn’t so much changed over the years? Where is my gratitude? Where is my acknowledgment?
How dare I comment on the blatant and raging sexism within my company, the finance industry, or business generally? Hasn’t it changed over the years? Where is my gratitude? Where is my acknowledgment? Share on XI am a woman who has been working in finance for nearly 20 years.
I shared with someone a few weeks ago that it burns me up inside when someone remarks how much progress has been made. I get it, but also, that feels like permission to stall, and we are nowhere near where we need to be. They responded by asking the all too familiar question: “But, aren’t they?”
“They” meaning the proverbial “things” and “aren’t they?” loosely translating to, of course, progress has been made.
I’m not a glass half-empty kind of woman. I believe in the acknowledgment of successes, big and small. I think it is critically important to understand that evolution is often a snail-like process that cannot be rushed, nor can it be predicted.
Let me illustrate further with an analogy.
My father was and is an avid hiker. Thus, from a young age, he imparted upon me the cardinal rules of hiking. Among them: Don’t hike at night, don’t hike alone or completely incommunicado, always have nutrition and a map on hand, and beware the false summit. The rest seemed fairly self-explanatory, but I asked for more information on this so-called false summit.
According to Dad, and most hikers I’ve met, a false summit is a point on the trail where you think you’ve reached the mountain peak, but when you climb to that point, you realize the actual peak is much higher. Okay. Annoying, but really, what’s the big deal? Well, psychologically the false summit can be incredibly damaging. There’s an adrenaline dump as soon as the hiker believes they have reached the absolute top and the awareness that’s not altogether real can instill feelings of hopelessness and failure. Many hikers will give up trying to climb to the actual summit and will resign themselves to the midpoint as the only endpoint they are capable of reaching. It just feels too daunting to go on. Plus, isn’t that midpoint good enough?
Do you see where I’m going with this?
The midpoint is not enough for so many reasons.
First of all, the world is always changing. Truly. No matter how much we crave a revisit to 90s grunge or a revamp of 80s neon, the world is still shifting and tilting on its axis. Even when it seems as though everything has stalled socially, everything is still moving and shaking. With the understanding that the backdrop to the discussion is in constant motion in mind, there is no way to accept any “-isms” as resolved.
I often feel that the acknowledgment of women as sentient beings who are capable of so much has just become a thing recently. Actually, that’s not entirely true … some still deny the fortitude and talent of women. Notice I said some. Not men. Some. Some people. This includes some women. In fact, sexism and misogyny are so pervasive that many women internalize them. I have been swayed in that direction from time to time. I have been condescended to and criticized and been made to feel incapable, incompetent, and undeserving.
Sexism and misogyny are so pervasive that many women internalize them. I have too. I have been condescended to, criticized, and made to feel incapable, incompetent, and undeserving. Share on XI don’t think it’s a hopeless situation though, and I have zero intention of giving up or growing the miniscule seed of bitterness that was maliciously planted by those who cultivate sexism and misogyny.
How do I think it changes? I think we have to talk about it first. I think we have to admit that most of our unwillingness to change comes from a place of fear. Some folks cling tightly to their hatred, bigotry, ill-conceived and dangerous notions because they have become habitual manifestations of fear. They have no concept of who they are outside of the confines of their rage and blame-placing. They have no idea how to maintain a sense of self and proceed in the world with confidence knowing that others are also shining brightly. They don’t know how to be loved in a universe where love is bigger and freer and available to everyone.
Some folks cling to their hatred, bigotry, ill-conceived notions because they have become habitual manifestations of fear. They have no concept of who they are outside of their rage and blame-placing. Share on XWe have to take those fears and those misconceptions and talk about them in a real way. Ignorance is not bliss. Closing our eyes to what is does not protect anyone, it hurts everyone.
We have made progress, but not enough. There is still work to be done. A lot of work: Equal pay and equitable treatment. A seat at the table that doesn’t come with the command to be thankful, always. Gratitude may not organically emerge in the face of hard and very well-earned recognition, but in my experience comes when you feel that others believe this recognition is deserved.
This understanding illustrates that the false summit is just that. It’s a solid midpoint. Perhaps a temporary resting place. It is most certainly not the place where we stop. Ever.
We. Must. Persevere.
