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Dating is not all that it’s cracked up to be. The older you become, the harder it gets; believe me, I should know. With this shared, I should also mention that I am a deaf and/or hard of hearing woman. This identity in itself is complex, and a broader story for another time

I did not date in middle school or high school like many of my peers did, unless you count online dating (which I do not). It wasn’t due to lack of interest in dating. During these years, I was painfully shy and awkward, especially around guys. This was coupled with trying to hide my disability, be just like everyone else my age, and “fit in.” I didn’t begin dating until college.

My first date, or what we know as a “group hang,” was nerve-racking. Moments before the date, after I made sure I had an impressive outfit on, and that my make-up and hair looked impeccable, my anxiety started skyrocketing. Thoughts went spiraling through my mind: worrying about whether I’d be understood, if I’d be clear enough with my speech… would he notice my hearing aids, and would this turn him off, or would he care? I was so insecure that I couldn’t even share my worries with my friends. They just chalked it up to regular nerves of going on a date.

My first date was nerve-racking. Thoughts spiraled, worrying about whether I’d be understood, if I’d be clear enough with my speech...would he notice my hearing aids, and would this turn him off, or would he care? Share on X

Walking into a popular coffee shop, I struggled to keep up with the conversation going on in front of me through my lip-reading skills. Tuning out of the conversation due to lack of understanding and nerves, I remained quiet. After what seemed like an eternity, it was done, and it was clear that the group wanted to do this again. I remember giving an awkward goodbye and being thankful that the evening was over. When I got back to my dorm room, I recapped everything, complete with what I said and what I did that evening over and over again. Questions flooded my mind: “What could I do differently? Why didn’t I speak up more? What’s wrong with me?” On the plus side, that guy and I ended up being friends for several years.

Many years later, barriers for dating have become more difficult. Not only do I need to worry about how I appear in person, combat my nerves, and hope that the man on the other side will give me a chance, but how I present myself online also matters. Oftentimes, if I was more forthcoming about my disability and who I was, I found that the response was quiet, and I wouldn’t see many matches. If I hid my identity or details about myself, frequently it backfired as the guy(s) I matched with would struggle to understand me. They would pity me, inform me that I “inspired” them even though they knew few details about me, or cut the date short because they were uncomfortable and didn’t know how to act around me. This pattern began to create more anxiety about what to share or not, in hopes of meeting someone that would just get it. There were times when the first few dates were successful, but I’d run into other issues such as infidelity, not enough chemistry, strong opposing political beliefs, or conflicting values. When this happened, I’d dread having to start all over again.

If I hid details about myself, it often backfired as the guy(s) I matched with struggled to understand me. They would pity me, inform me that I 'inspired' them even though they knew little about me, or cut the date short. Share on X

There were also a few Deaf men that I dated, but I soon discovered there were communication barriers between us as well. This was challenging for both of us due to our different upbringings and levels of disability.

I’ve gone through waves of focusing on myself, telling myself that the timing just wasn’t right. By listening to my heart, I’d eventually try dating again, and getting back out there. Maybe this time, I’ll try a different platform, select a wider age range, or have a date with a man who is open to my disability. I won’t lie; there have been moments when I thought I would settle for something less than I deserve when dating, just so that I can be through with it. That thought usually passes quickly as I work to reassure myself that the right person for me is still out there.

In my world, dating is exhausting! Be mindful: In the future, if you do find yourself on a date with someone who has a disability, whether through a dating site or a friend’s introduction, try putting yourself in their shoes. Be considerate: What journey did they take to be sitting across from you at the table? What barriers did they have to navigate to go on this date? Did they reveal their disability to you? Be truthful: Remain open, honest, and transparent with them. Don’t run away! Most of all, remember, they’re just out there dating, same as you. 

If you find yourself on a date w/ someone who has a disability, be considerate. What journey did they take to be sitting there? Remain open and transparent with them. And remember, they’re just out there dating, same as you. Share on X