This week we continue our team’s Rememberings and Recommitments for 2022 with reflections from Tami Jackson.
What lessons do you intend to learn/remember from 2021?
One of the things that keep coming back to me as I reflect on what I intend to remember about 2021 is easy: how I define “success.”
I remember years ago chatting on the phone with my brother as I was driving on what seemed like yet another meaningless day to a job that I hated. Thing was, at this point in my life, it was not the first job that I would feel a deep sense of dread going to in the morning, and unfortunately it would not be the last. See, as an elder millennial who had the pleasure of graduating when the economy was the worst it had ever been since the Great Depression, the idea of success that was taught to me by the previous generations... and the reality I was living in, with being paid pennies on the dollar… didn’t add up. The math just wasn’t math-ing. How could I possibly be “successful” when my fancy degree couldn’t even drum up a job, let alone a career that would pay me enough to cover my most basic needs or afford me the privilege to indulge in any of the extracurricular activities that successful people do? For me, my reality and the story I had been told about the importance of education exposed all the cracks in a system that, to begin with, was never designed with me in mind. I had no control over what had happened to our economy, let alone how Black women are aggressively devalued in the workplace. Still, I was supposed to use that broken system to define what it means to be “successful?” Nope.
As an elder millennial who graduated when the economy was the worst it had been since the Great Depression, the idea of success that was taught to me, and the reality I was living in didn’t add up. The math just wasn’t math-ing. Share on XSo, when I think back on what lessons I would like to take with me from 2021, I reflect on that conversation I had with my brother years ago.
“I mean, I hear you and all sis. But what does success even really mean though? And how do you define success?”
No one had ever really challenged me to revisit what I thought of as success. 2021 (and, let’s keep it real, 2020) really forced me to sit with that question. Here are some questions that I am taking with me into 2022 that help me to continuously unpack how I define success and how to challenge myself in reframing success outside of what has just been passed down to me without question:
- What does it mean to be successful by my own definition?
- What does success look like outside of the framework we’ve been socialized under, and it ties to capitalism?
- How can one be successful and still prioritize their well-being, physical, mental, and emotional health?
- What are markers of success that exist outside of the tangible and material? How do I know I am successful when I do not attach success to traditional “mile markers?”
- How do I tie my self-worth to what I was taught success means, and how do I hold myself accountable to divesting from said structure?
What does it mean to be successful by my own definition? What does success look like outside of the framework we’ve been socialized under? What are markers of success that exist outside of the tangible and material? Share on X
How do I tie my self-worth to what I was taught success means, and how do I hold myself accountable to divesting from said structure? Share on X
What do you want/need to unlearn and redefine in 2022?
Just because something didn’t work for, wasn’t available to me, wasn’t made with me in mind, did not consider my needs, etc., does not mean there is not a possibility of me being considered moving forward.
I’ll give you an example.
As a fat person, and especially as a tall fat Black woman, one of my survival techniques has been to eliminate myself from things that thin and straight-sized people take for granted and get to do without even thinking about it. This is not for lack of trying – it’s because I have fought this fight my entire life and have repeatedly been deeply disappointed because I dared to hope that just maybe this time, they’ll carry this in my size, or that this solution will sustain my weight, or that I can fit in this space in this way, etc.
What I have been finding out slowly is: being me does not mean I cannot enjoy things or experience things or that I am automatically disqualified from things – even if that has been true in the past. And this is very difficult for me. In 2022, I want to redefine what it means to hope.
I am learning in my journey that hope is a discipline. Things as simple as learning that they make yoga balls that sustain a higher degree of weight, or that there are brands that cater to my body type, or shoes that fit my feet have been game-changers for me. All required me to practice the art and discipline of hope.
I am learning that hope is a discipline. Even learning they make yoga balls that sustain a higher degree of weight, or that there are brands that cater to my body type. All require me to practice the art and discipline of hope. Share on XIn those moments, being hopeful led me to be curious, and that curiosity helped refill my reserves just enough to get me to the next level – just the push I needed to discover new opportunities, resources and/or support.
And while those are all practical examples, I want to unlearn this practice of preemptive disqualification emotionally as well. Trauma of all kinds really can teach you to wall up and expect disappointment as a mode of self-preservation, but what really ends up happening, at least for me, is I still pay the price of being perpetually disappointed. And that is the antithesis to hope as a practice. This requires me to dig deeper – even when I am feeling the very real weight of existing in a world in a body like mine and a person like me.
So, in 2022, I want to do a little more unlearning that pushes me to challenge the notion that, just because it’s always been this way, and just because I tried and met “failure” before does not mean it has to continue to be that way this time. It does not mean that there are no alternative possibilities out there just waiting for me to find them and folks willing to support and help advocate for me. This extends beyond just trying new hobbies and experiences. This also helps to fortify me more firmly in the work that I do when I am feeling so fatigued by the resistance. The thing about that is, sometimes I am going to have to do something different – like asking for help from those I trust and being real enough with myself so that I clearly articulate my needs – in order to get to where I want to be.
In 2022, I want to do more unlearning that pushes me to challenge the notion that just because I met 'failure' before does not mean that there are no alternative possibilities or folks willing to advocate for me. Share on XI want to continue to redefine what it means to exist in this body and ask for what I need as a result. Full stop.
I want to continue to challenge myself to being a bit more curious about what could happen if I sought out even more possibilities for a body like mine in all aspects. I want to be deliberate in following social media pages that celebrate bodies like mine – tall, fat, Black, and femme – and lift them up as possibility models for what a body like mine can experience rather than automatically eliminating myself from the experience before it can happen. I want to learn alternatives that others in my community have invested in that have yielded them positive results. I want to embrace ease and rest.
I want to be deliberate in following social media that celebrate bodies like mine – tall, fat, Black, and femme – as possibility models for what a body like mine can experience rather than automatically eliminating myself. Share on XWhile I know some things are still out of reach for now because systemic fatphobia, racism and sexism are very real things, I want to challenge myself to remain curious, get excited and be intentional about inserting joy and hope in all aspects of my life.
