* Content warning: references to sexual harassment and abuse
Florida Representative Matt Gaetz was recently quoted as saying the following: “Why is it that the women with the least likelihood of getting pregnant are the ones most worried about having abortions? Nobody wants to impregnate you if you look like a thumb.”
It seems like a logical leap to assume that I intend to write a piece about the overturning of Roe v. Wade. Or perhaps, there is some notion that this is a smear piece, aimed at addressing the truly despicable behavior of an elected official.
It’s not.
I am very passionate about the fight for bodily autonomy for people. I am also crystal clear that I believe our political leaders and representatives should conduct themselves in a manner befitting the position. However, addressing that was not my intention when I set out to write this piece.
I think it makes sense to backtrack for a moment and relay a much more personal story, so that my objective becomes clear.
I was dining out with family not too long ago. Dear family. Family members whom I adore and who generally share my political views and values. As an aside, I am grateful for this, as I know it’s not the norm. Furthermore, I am painfully aware that the standard, which seems to err on the side of dissention and disagreement, has only become more obvious and brutal in the last four or five years, given the political climate and state of the world.
So, there I was, sharing a meal with some of my most favorite people. I was confiding in them a rather embarrassing and challenging experience I had at work. I was sharing how I had been sexually harassed, because I don’t believe in sugar-coating such things. It was very difficult to speak of, even with my inner circle, but I described exactly what I had been subjected to, just a few months prior.
The part that I really struggled with was explaining how gray the situation was when it came down to it in my own lived experience. What I mean is that I had always felt very cut and dry about sexual harassment. It’s illegal and abhorrent and perpetrators should be outed and then ousted. How could I have known it isn’t that easy?
Well … because people rarely speak openly about career aspirations and politics and the boys club and the mean girls and the “he said, she said” game surrounding sexual harassment and abuse. People hesitate before fully describing the humiliation factor, even though it wasn’t something they asked for at any point, in any way. People don’t care to expand upon the notion that there will be others who hear of what you’ve gone through and firmly believe that you are too uptight and too sensitive and too rigid and meant for a gentler atmosphere. Or perhaps, you will be labeled opportunistic or bitter or pathetic. No one gets into the weeds of what it means to be that person.
People rarely speak openly about careers, politics, the boys club, the mean girls, the 'he said, she said' surrounding sexual harassment. People hesitate before fully describing the humiliation factor. Share on XWell, until you have to, because you have no choice. Until you are faced with questions like: If I don’t report this, will they do the same thing to someone else, and will I then be responsible? If I say something, will anyone believe me? And if they do believe me, will they do anything about it? And, if they do something about it, will that something be a relief or horrifying?
I’m not uptight and I have a sense of humor and I’m not sexually repressed and I’m not bitter, and most importantly, none of that has anything to do with what happened to me. Nothing. Truly. It doesn’t.
I’m not uptight. I have a sense of humor. I’m not sexually repressed. I’m not bitter. And most importantly, none of that has anything to do with what happened to me. Nothing. Share on XI want to be clear that, though I am a heterosexual woman whose pronouns are she/her, this situation is not unique to me and how I identify. The spectrum of sexual harassment is vast. I can only speak to my experience, but I have deep compassion for anyone that has been through something similar, in whatever form.
Anyway, let’s go back, shall we?
I was speaking with my people about what happened, and as part of that sharing, I explained the obstacles and challenges that I hadn’t properly considered before I was put in that position.
“It’s so damn complicated,” I explained, heart in hand.
As folks are apt to do, a family member of mine tried to commiserate by sharing their own story. Well, let me be clear. It wasn’t their story, but rather, a story that involved them in their place of work. They are in an administrative position at their firm and an employee complaint was brought to their attention. If I’m being reasonable, I think that they were trying to support my assertion that the issue is nuanced and complicated. However, something went horribly awry.
They advised that a young woman had come forward and presented an accusation of sexual harassment, but it was difficult to believe because, speaking objectively, “she isn’t terribly attractive.” I’m not exaggerating when I say that time stood still in that moment for me. I felt sick. I felt shocked. I felt appalled. I had difficulty finding my words.
When I did find my words, they sounded a little something like: What does her attractiveness, or lack thereof, have anything to do with her believability as a victim?
I mean, I knew what they were saying. Of course, I did. She wasn’t “hot” or “sexy,” so why would someone bother?
There are so many directions I can go with this sentiment. There is so much rage inside of me when I replay the conversation in my mind and now, lay the words down on paper. I would like to keep this simple, though, because I think this message deserves a straightforward delivery.
We have evolved as a society and then, in many senses, devolved. We have assigned arbitrary and harmful characteristics to the victims of abuse. They must be weak, but also, strong. They must be attractive, but not too attractive. They must be quiet, but also, outspoken.
We have assigned arbitrary and harmful characteristics to victims of abuse. They must be weak, but also strong. They must be attractive, but not too attractive. They must be quiet, but also outspoken. Share on XNo.
It’s time to stop this, today. There is no face for abuse or harassment. Abuse and harassment victims don’t just identify as male or female or heterosexual or homosexual or transgender. Abuse and harassment victims don’t have to be beautiful or thin or shy. I don’t believe we can do the work to eliminate abuse and harassment, or penalize perpetrators, until we are willing to admit that it can happen to anyone, anywhere, at any time. Furthermore, we have to acknowledge that the solutions available to victims of abuse and harassment are far from satisfactory or equitable.
It’s time to stop this, today. There is no face for abuse or harassment. Share on XSo yeah, Matt Gaetz is sort of a horrible human, but also, he’s dead wrong. Human issues are just that, human. Whether or not Gaetz or my family member finds you attractive, you have the right to body autonomy, and also, the right to live and work peaceably, without harassment. Period, end of story.
Whether or not Gaetz finds you attractive, you have the right to body autonomy and the right to live and work peaceably, without harassment. Period, end of story. Share on X
