Disclaimer for my LGBTQIA+ siblings: It can be beyond difficult to share your sexual orientation with others; it can be dangerous, it can be inconsequential, it can be a privilege, etc. You deserve to have the choice and no matter what your choice is, it is valid. You do not owe it to anyone or any group to announce or share your sexual orientation.
Note for others: LGBTQIA+ folks are not a monolith. This is my experience and perspective — not everyone’s. Like many “reclaimed” words, “Queer” holds power and belongs to us now. It should be used thoughtfully and may not be appropriate for all circumstances or voices to use.
I am often asked why I choose to identify as Queer and not Pansexual, Bisexual, Gay, or Lesbian. I am often asked why I choose to identify as Queer when it is a slur, a painful reminder, a word wielded with hate.
I am asked these questions by people of all sexual orientations. Some out of curiosity, some out of tokenization, some out of disappointment.
I choose Queer because it is more than what I do behind closed doors, who I date, who I’m attracted to, etc. I choose Queer specifically because it causes confusion.
I choose Queer as a political identity of defiance, as an act of reclamation, and as a reminder of accountability. I choose Queer because when I tell you I’m Queer it sparks curiosity, it elicits questions, and it starts a dialogue.
I choose Queer because it is currently illegal to be visibly LGBTQIA+ in 69 countries and in 11 of those, the punishment is the death penalty.[1]
Because in the U.S., nearly half of bisexual women who are survivors of sexual assault (48.2%) were assaulted between the ages of 11 and 17 — compared to 28.3% of heterosexual women survivors. Experiences of sexual assault also disproportionately impact gay and bisexual men.[2]
Because thus far in 2022, there are 25 anti-trans bills and 25 anti-LGBTQIA+ bills currently under consideration this legislative session in dozens of U.S. states.[3]
Because 2021 was the deadliest year on record for transgender people.[4]
Because there are 16 U.S. states that still have sodomy laws against “perverted sexual practice” and “crimes against nature.”[5]
I choose Queer because I want to be clear that what once was is still what is.
bell hooks explained, “… queer as being about the self that is at odds with everything around it…”
I choose Queer not as a chip on my shoulder, but pride I wear like a badge of honor. I want us to talk about the past, the slur, the pain, the rhetoric, the violence, the present, the discrimination, the apathy, the legislation, and the future.
Telling the world I’m Queer is a way of holding myself and others accountable. Every time you ask questions — What does that mean? Isn’t that a slur? Why can you say that word, but I can’t? — I provide education, level-setting, history, boundaries, context, pride, expectations, current events, and prevalence rates.
Because I want folks to know I am who I am because of my Queer ancestors — I am living history.
I choose Queer because I want to talk about my beautiful dream of a liberated future
… of healing, community, connection, and belonging.
… of reclamation, resistance, and resilience.
… of strength, courage, and audacity.
My version of Queer is necessarily anti-transphobic, anti-racist, anti-classist, anti-colonial, etc. — all of which have their accompanying epithets, all of which require active resistance, and all of which are bound up with my own liberation.
Queer is my call to action.
Most importantly, I choose Queer because:
I chose it, and I continue to choose it every day.
[1] https://ilga.org/ilga-world-releases-state-sponsored-homophobia-December-2020-update
[2] https://www.cdc.gov/media/releases/2013/p0125_NISVS.html
[3] https://freedomforallamericans.org/legislative-tracker/anti-lgbtq-bills/
[4] https://www.pbs.org/newshour/nation/2021-is-now-the-deadliest-year-on-record-for-transgender-people
[5] https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2020/01/24/sodomy-laws-us-states-perverted-sexual-practice-lawrence-texas-louisiana-maryland-bestiality/
About the Author
Jess Harman (she/her) is a Queer survivor, anti-violence advocate, speaker, trainer, and consultant. She is currently pursuing a Master of Social Work degree and has over 10 years of experience working with diverse populations including youth, survivors of sexual/domestic violence and sex trafficking, LGBTQIA individuals, folks with disabilities, people experiencing severe and persistent mental illnesses, individuals impacted by substance use, incarcerated folks, people experiencing homelessness, and people living with HIV/chronic health conditions.
Her career has primarily focused on anti-violence systems advocacy, direct services advocacy & case management, and supervising anti-violence advocates. Jess has trained thousands of working professionals how to appropriately work with trauma survivors utilizing best practice methodologies. She has presented at state and national conferences.
Jess holds a bachelor’s degree in Women, Gender, and Sexuality Studies with a minor in History from the University of Kansas.
