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During a phone interview for a coaching position, the recruiter began the conversation by misgendering me. Although I include my pronouns in my email signature and LinkedIn profile, people still misread my gender over the phone. It’s not a great start, but I correct people because mistakes happen, and a graceful recovery can go a long way in resetting the conversation.  

When I corrected this recruiter by stating, “I use he/him pronouns,” she did not understand what I was talking about. I repeated my pronouns. After a long pause, she sarcastically and dramatically apologized. While I will never know her intentions, I experienced it as the most condescending and passive-aggressive apology I have heard in a very, very long time. 

When I corrected this recruiter by stating, 'I use he/him pronouns,' she did not understand. I repeated my pronouns. After a long pause, she sarcastically and dramatically apologized. Click To Tweet

Although I should have ended the conversation there, my conditioning to be professional even when the other person is acting poorly kicked in. I ignored the bait and refocused the conversation.  

Later in the interview, I asked which demographics her organization serves. She didn’t understand what I meant. I repeated the question. She still didn’t understand, so I specified: “gender, race, etc.” She replied that she would never have thought of this question “because of course we serve everyone.” 

Here was the moment I fully realized what I was up against – someone so focused on the narrative that we are all the same that she thought any mention of difference was unacceptable. I was up against an organization that had not provided development opportunities or support to its recruiters to help them build connections with people who are different from them. I was up against an organization that did not include intercultural competence as a crucial skill for their recruiters. 

In twenty minutes, this recruiter guaranteed I would never recommend this organization to potential employees or clients. She left me furious at her behavior and angry at myself for trying to appease someone who would never recognize my worth and dignity as a fellow human being. She would certainly never appreciate the strengths my differences as a transgender person would bring to the organization. 

I provided feedback to the company about my experience, and I received an apology from the Head of HR, stating that she was an ally. This was not a bad outcome, but it left me wondering why this ally failed to build a recruiting team that acknowledges, respects and appreciates differences. It made me doubt that this organization is capable of providing culturally competent care to its coaching clients. 

Many months have passed since this incident, and I only now have enough space to write about it. I am disappointed and angry, but not surprised, at how I was treated. Negative experiences are far too common for members of the transgender community and other historically marginalized groups when we seek work. It is further evidence that when individuals think they “treat everyone equally,” they often serve marginalized groups far more poorly than they imagine.  

Negative experiences are common for historically marginalized groups when we seek work. When people think they 'treat everyone equally,' they often serve marginalized groups far more poorly. Click To Tweet

It’s good to have allies who support us after harm has been done. Still, it’s better when our allies proactively build inclusive organizations, develop and support employees to behave more inclusively, and hire people with the will and skills to bridge differences. Starting on this journey is work all of us can and should do. 

It’s good to have allies who support us after harm has been done. Still, it’s better when our allies proactively build inclusive organizations, and develop and support employees to behave more inclusively. Click To Tweet